


Slark Kills Dendi

by Landmind



Category: Dota 2, Real Person Fiction, [MODE]
Genre: 9/11, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Found Footage, M/M, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Landmind/pseuds/Landmind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the greatest of passions! The darkest of days! Can NaVi's frontrunner hope to survive the maniacal schemings of fishunprisoner Slark the Nightcrawler?</p><p>A globetrotting mystery from Brazil to Canada to the Ukraine, spanning diverse topics from mass suicides to Haskell programming to libertarianism to 9/11 truth. Learn the secrets of Scientology! Become a narcotics addict.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slark Kills Dendi


    Enter user [jack]: jacl
    Enter user [jack]: ac
    Enter user [jack]: jack
    Enter password [medo]: medo
    Connecting...GRAEME COUNTY POLICE DEPARTMENT
    BBS AND PORN SHARE
          ____
        _/  _ \
       /   / \_\     VV  VV
      /   /         VVTTTTVV
     |   |  ______  VVOOOOVV (741)-911-NOPE
     |   | |_    _|  OOOOOO  (741)-55-TRUTH
      \   \__/  /      OO
       \_______/
    
    ascii by masta.slaya ( don't play if you can't slay!!! )
    
    - meat
    - eggs
    - wine (bitch some more to my dead GF)
    - you have entered the HELL zone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    Jamal Nichiro
    =============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Dec. 15, 1993
    
    Juniper Nippoli
    ===============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Jan. 18, 1994
    
    Janice Nepp
    ===========
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Feb. 14, 1994
    
    Jinni Nafarr
    ============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Mar. 14, 1994
    
    Jimmy Neepo
    ============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Apr. 21, 1994
    
    Jensi Nikkolainen
    =================
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: May. 14, 1994
    
    James Nero
    ==========
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Jun. 17, 1994
    
    Jinxy Nelly
    ===========
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Jul. 13, 1994
    
    Jianqi Nei
    ==========
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Aug. 28, 1994
    
    Jans Nietzsche
    ==============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Sep. 4, 1994
    
    Joshua Nettman
    ==============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Oct. 5, 1994
    
    Jaros Nimm
    ==========
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Nov. 11, 1994
    
    Jordan Nimoy
    ============
    Undercover Super Sleuth
    
    Current Assignment: Dead
    Terminated: Dec. 25, 1994
    
    =)...
    
    Jack Neech
    ==========
    Jack enjoys cold drinks, walks on the beach, and long falls. He's a playboy and
    his favorite number is the threesome: as the old song says, Jack thinks one
    really is the loneliest number -- yet on a cold night it'll do. He's in high
    demand and you'll feel ignored, yet every night he'll make up for it in sex, and
    when morning comes you'll fear the thought of leaving. He's had experiences you
    could barely imagine and his scar is so large just looking at it will disfigure
    you permanently.
    
    He's an art collector, but if Monet's all you're after he won't even kiss you
    goodnight. Ask him about Rial-attay and he'll leave you with the Chek.
    
    Current Assignment: Leave Well Enough Alone
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt*     crimedb*        etc*
    U:/>type YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt
    =============================================-------------------------------
    ==================================DOTA 2=========-------------------------------
    ============================facts and friction===-------------------------------
        =============================================-------------------------------
                                                brought to you by dota2.okcupid.com.
    
        Slark Kills Dendi                                               Martha Jones
        ============================================================================
    Dendi fans rest uneasy tonight after the tragic demise of one of Dota 2's most
    honorable champions. Daniil "Dendi" Ishutin is dead.
    
    His purported homicide occurred at the hands of Slark the Nightcrawler, a blue,
    bony-jawed fishman possessed of either a British or Australian accent,
    "depending on whom you ask," witnesses report. Most folks know him better as a
    to-an-arguable-extent viable agility hero often played in midlane when following
    the competitive metagame, but the real extent of his violent proclivities
    outside the game until now was largely unsuspected.
    
    The murder occurred at the MODE event in Graeme County, Canada yesterday, but
    the victim's identity was not revealed by police authorities until the next day.
    The killer's presence went unnoticed until he instigated a confrontation --
    reputedly questioning Ishutin's creepscore and "e-honor" -- Ishutin refused to
    fight but, when witnesses claim he covertly reached for the Quelling Blade on
    his utility belt, Slark "leapt into action and gutted him like a moray." The
    slithereen then threw him over his shoulder and disappeared, neither the victim
    nor the culprit to be seen again all night.
    
    "When I saw him, I knew I had to have him," said Jeong "WooWoo" Park, caster and
    Korean grandmaster known previously for stalking Ted Bundy and posting "Heaven's
    Gate" footage to Kazaa (a file-sharing network). "Slark is an outdoorsman, a
    Sagittarius, but he has the empathetic qualities of a Pisces. My horoscope said
    '[I] will marry a fish.' (I'm a Scorpio.) That's all I know."
    
    Found on the ground beside the tower was GCPD detective Jack Neech, still alive
    and brought to Graeme University Hospital for treatment. Doctors believe he was
    dropped from the uppermost floor during the events of the party. He was also a
    Scorpio.
    
                                                                      Sam Schumacher
                                                                        [rubick.jpg]
        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Slark raises questions. The one thing we know about him is that he's a bully and
    -- the two things we know about him, he's a bully and a fake!
    
    Is he even a real fish?
                                                                       Evgeny Onegin
                                                                         [pudge.jpg]
        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dota carries a powerful curse and if you are too good at it then you will surely
    die!
    U:/>cd crimedb
    U:/crimedb/>dir
    READ_ME_1ST.txt*        cia.txt*        demo.txt*       mode.txt*       rial.txt*
    U:/crimedb/>type READ_ME_1ST.txt
    GCPD crimeDB is for authorized personnel only.
    
    All access is logged and unauthorized use is strictly prohibited. By accessing
    this file you volunteer yourself for a maximally-invasive body cavity search.
    
      Captain Grabowicz
    
    U:/crimedb/>type demo.txt
    Threat Bulletin 00884180: Uforia Kitchen, Demo (DEIMOS)                     GCPD
    
        Report taken from CIA Illegal Substances Desk, 11/18/1992.
    
        Brazilian criminal organization -- branches in Japan, Korea, Bolivia.
        Loosely organized and nonviolent, with limited organized crime ties.
        Performs manufacturing in China and South Asia. Primarily distributes
        illegal benzodiazepines and "designer drugs" in the 2C family
    
        Sole producers of Demo (DEIMOS, 2,5-dimethoxy-4-xenoamphetamine),
        a synthetic stimulant with psychedelic effects. The "saltiest substance
        on earth" -- produces intense olfactory hallucinations as well as false
        perception of salty flavor with a 0.5-3mg effective dose (compare: DOI)
        Immediate memory loss but otherwise roughly dormant for about two hours,
        followed by 96-120hrs of emotional intensity and regret. Medo (cultic
        group, compare: Aum Shinrikyo) uses it as a truth serum and recruitment
        tool.
    
        The synthesis procedure is unknown. Its molecular structure is stable,
        but requires xenon to take the place of carbon, which occurs rarely
        in ordinary chemistry.
    
        See: Rial Attaychek, DOI, Medo, Aum Shinrikyo, xenon tetrafluoride
    
    U:/crimedb/>type rial.txt
    Threat Bulletin 00884179: Rial Attaychek                                    GCPD
    
        Criminal mastermind of tribal origin. His current record includes seven
        murders, eight instances of assault, and sixteen attempted suicides. He
        maintains a jovial, magnanimous public persona but bristles and
        retaliates at perceived threats to his projected masculinity.
    
        He keeps gold and publicly speaks against fiat currency: his political
        views are broadly libertarian but he nominally supports sanctions
        against Sikhism and south Asian immigration because of past terrorism
        committed by Sikh immigrants.
    
        Investigative reports indicate he works for Medo only on a contract
        basis, but also that he's developed an addictive MDA habit, which they
        distibute.
    
        See: Medo, Uforia Kitchen
    
    U:/crimedb/>type mode.txt
    Threat Bulletin 00884188: The MODE event ([MODE])                           GCPD
    
        EOF^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N
    
        Rial Attaychek is organizing the event with Vito Brevis and Mia Tesla
        which means^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N^N
    
        See: Rial Attaychek, Vito Brevis
    
    U:/crimedb/>type cia.txt
    Threat Bulletin 00880000: CIA                                               GCPD
    
        Where we get pretty much all our Threat Bulletins!
    
        -- Mackie Lomar
    
    U:/crimedb/>cd ..
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt      crimedb etc*
    U:/>cd etc
    U:/etc/>dir
    navi4.txt*      navi5.txt*      navi6.txt*
    U:/etc/>type navi4.txt
        //==                                                                    ==//
       //== ||\\  ||   //\\ \\    // -//-                                      ==//
      //==  || \\ ||  //==\\ \\  //  //          It's a Dota Cult! (c)        ==//
     //==   ||  \\|| //    \\ \\// _//_                                      ==//
    //==                             04-94: The Lemming Issue               ==//
    
    DECEASEDCRAB: Huzzah! My name is DeceasedCrab! I'm joined by Republican
                  senatorial incumbent Martha McSally to annunciate our
                  proclamations for International TI5.
    MARTHA: I'm very happy for VG and they're looking forward to a great time.
    DECEASEDCRAB: I'm more of a Navi fan.
    MARTHA: We're in their magazine.
            The way I see it nobody's good at Dota. You *can't* be good at Dota
            Being good at Dota will literally kill you.
    DECEASEDCRAB: You mean with fame.
    MARTHA: No.
    DECEASEDCRAB: Then what?
    MARTHA: Who am I, DC? The first Dota candidate.
            Look at me now! It's killed me! Killed me! Killed me!
            Oh, and that's not all.
    DECEASEDCRAB: Bake sale!
    MARTHA: He's watching you, Jack Neech. The *ghost of space*!
    
    U:/etc/>type navi5.txt
        //==                                                                    ==//
       //== ||\\  ||   //\\ \\    // -//-                                      ==//
      //==  || \\ ||  //==\\ \\  //  //          It's a Dota Cult! (c)        ==//
     //==   ||  \\|| //    \\ \\// _//_                                      ==//
    //==                             05-94: The Silence of the Lemmings     ==//
    
    FATS TOBLERONE: I think there's been a bit of a misconception, see, about what
                    Dota really is.
                    Like all sports there's a verge between how things are and how
                    they're meant to be. No one can throw a perfect pass and no
                    one hits a 1.000.
                    So.
                    Dota was invented by the Flavor-Aid manufacturers as a vehicle
                    for mass suicides.
                    And that's all I know.
                    Have you ever tasted the saltiest substance on earth?
    
    U:/etc/>type navi6.txt
        //==                                                                    ==//
       //== ||\\  ||   //\\ \\    // -//-                                      ==//
      //==  || \\ ||  //==\\ \\  //  //          It's a Dota Cult! (c)        ==//
     //==   ||  \\|| //    \\ \\// _//_                                      ==//
    //==                             06-94: A Time to Live, A Time to Lemm  ==//
    
    MARTHA: I'd like to take this opportunity to quote one of my favorite figures
            and personal heroes.
    
                I've tried so hard to find an excuse to keep on fighting, but I
                can't go on alone. All I had was the diner and Karen. Now that I've
                lost both I know that there's only one way out. I'm sure you won't
                be able to understand the depth of despair that would enable me to
                put a rope around my neck and jump into the void. But even now I
                feel the heavy weight of the rope around my neck, and as I write
                this I'm standing precariously on the edge of the counter, just on
                the end. Please, when you remember me I want you to
    
    masta.slaya in da house, bitch!
    
    ur abt 2 get masta slain by a prodigy (smack my bitch up) and theres nothing u
    can do but check out my secret police station WAREZ...
    
    speaking of which............ here's some more now!
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt      crimedb etc     hfa.txt*        personals*
    U:/>type hfa.txt
    haskellforall                                                   Gabriel Gonzales
    
     -- free-monadic domain specific language representation of how I feel
        > -- about Slark
        > data Slark a = Falsity a
        >              | Unceasing (Lies -> a)
        >              | ConstantDeception
        >              deriving (Functor)
        >
        > -- contains nothing (isometric to Void)
        > data TruthInvolvingSlark = TruthInvolvingSlark (forall a. a)
        >
        > -- contains the entire universe
        > data Lies = forall a. Lie a
        >
        > newtype Fishman a = Fishman { unFishman :: Free (Slark a) }
    
        We need to align the facts:
        - Slark is, allegedly, the only escapee from Dark Reef Prison.
        - Slark has never been seen at Dark Reef Prison.
        - Nobody I know has even been to Dark Reef Prison.
    
        In the original version of this post (which I posted on r/haskell
        [here|r/haskell: Free Monads and the Fishman Conspiracy]) I made the claim
        that Dark Reef Prison didn't actually exist, but since writing that Edward
        Kmett sent me a derivation that demonstrates its existence. He also sent me
        some photos of Slark there.
    
        [/slark1.jpg] [/slark2.jpg] [/slark3.jpg]
    
        His derivation, while nontrivial (and requiring a bathysphere) is correct.
        When I first saw this it made me want to scrap the article. But then I saw
        what was in the upper-right corner of the second image.
    
        [/slark2corner.jpg]
    
        For those who don't see it, in this picture, Slark is wearing a guard's
        uniform. Several of the other photos I was able to derive showed the same
        thing.
    
        So by the letter I was mistaken: Slark was at Dark Reef Prison and
        escaped. But, from the look of this evidence, do you think he was a prisoner
        or a guard? A well-meaning, law-abiding fish-thief, or a conniving,
        undermining fish-snake?
    
        ADDENDUM: Since publishing this draft Edward Kmett made a few more comments
        he gave me permission to reproduce here.
        >  don't forget, your TruthInvolvingSlark type contains two bottoms
        >          (undefined and (TruthInvolvingSlark undefined))
        >  one you can spank and one you can apologize towards after =)
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt      crimedb etc     hfa.txt personals*
    U:/>cd personals
    U:/personals/>dir
    sheeva03-13.txt*        sheeva03-14.txt*
    U:/personals/>type sheeva03-13.txt
    ~mulchanauer/sheeva/03-13.txt
    ================================================================================
    
    Vito is distant. A stranger has entered the fold. My powers reveal nothing.
    
    He's alluringly Ukrainian. He wants me for my body: I want him for his mind.
    Isn't it plain we were meant to be together? The mystical chakras grant me no
    opinions of success, yet his looks play harmoniously on my intuitions.
    
    The fishman resurfaces. Tonight I feast on the nectar of gods.
    
    U:/personals/>type sheeva03-14.txt
    ~mulchanauer/sheeva/03-14.txt
    ================================================================================
    
    The ocean is salt because Cosmos wills it. He whispers very sweetly: I will call
    him Orpheus, and his substance Eurydice, my clitoris Persephone, and his
    anatomical fish segment a beguiling Hades.
    
    It's wilder than any saturnalia. I am the lock and it has opened me. It wracks
    me with pain, guilt, and lust. Dendi no longer controls the question.
    
    o don't u dare start thinking ur de masta, punk
    
    my friends call me VEZOK: an ancient word denoting fear, death, and uncertainty
    which side of the sword do you think you're on, punk?
    
    my six shooter tames all woes! HERE! HAVE SOME MORE WAREZ!
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt      crimedb etc     hfa.txt okcup*  personals       shlomo*
    U:/>cd okcup
    U:/okcup/>dir
    story.txt*
    U:/okcup/>type story.txt
    
    =============================================-------------------------------
    ==================================DOTA 2=========-------------------------------
    ============================facts and friction===-------------------------------
        =============================================-------------------------------
                                                brought to you by dota2.okcupid.com.
    
        Dendi Death Dishonorable                                       Hercule Diast
                                                                         [lycan.jpg]
        ============================================================================
    I want to spend time with you. Dota time. Let me tell you a story.
    
    There once was a boy who came to the MODE event. r
    The boy seized at his chest and fell to the carpet. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. g
    He went for a ride on a silver-blue armchair. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. g
    He went for a ride on a silver-blue armchair. g
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. r
    Slark stabbed Dendi in the chest! b
    Slark stabbed Dendi in the chest! g
    A beautiful stranger helped the boy to his feet. b
    Slark stabbed Dendi in the chest! r
    Dendi writhed with pain at the fishman's glaive. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. b
    He traveled the wall and came to the dance floor. r
    Slark stabbed Dendi in the chest! r
    Dendi writhed with pain at the fishman's glaive. g
    A beautiful stranger helped the boy to his feet. g
    The stranger was friendly, and brought him to Vito. b
    Vito stared imperiously and demanded his business. b
    The boy chattered wisely and told him about Dota. b
    The boy chattered wisely and told him about Dota. b
    The boy chattered wisely and told him about Dota. g
    Vito declared the boy was Solomon -- the casting manager for the dance -- and that he was in danger of losing his job. b
    But no matter what he said, Vito refused to say another word. b
    But no matter what he said, Vito refused to say another word. b
    But no matter what he said, Vito refused to say another word. b
    But no matter what he said, Vito refused to say another word. r
    He realized he had been dead the entire time, and the only reason no one had noticed was the ghost of space.
    U:/okcup/>cd ..
    U:/>dir
    YOU.COCKSUCKER.okcupid.txt      crimedb etc     hfa.txt okcup   personals       shlomo*
    U:/>cd shlomo
    U:/shlomo/>dir
    letter1.txt*    letter2.txt*    letter3.txt*    letter4.txt*    letter5.txt*
    U:/shlomo/>type letter1.txt
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: I can't catch a break
    
    Dear GCPD,
    
    It's me, Mia! I was just taking a steam bath with some miscellaneous rabble from
    the street when I decided to tell you about the sordid affair I've been
    witnessing.
    
    Things have gone up in flames here at MODE HQ -- my boss, who I'm in love with?
    He's spending all kinds of time with that skanky bitch whore Sheeva. She's only
    supposed to be here for the party, yeah, but he wants to put all kinds of
    bodily fluids into her steamy, steamy mouth. It's like watching the Alien
    movies again. Oh god, now I feel all wet.
    
    Vito's a powerful man, with powerful thighs, and -- oh, why he spends his time
    with whores and rubber dolls I don't know! It's very scandalous, you know. He
    dresses up as a blue fish person and offers drugs to professional video games
    players!
    
    You've got me thinking about those thighs again. He may be the point of the
    arrow, but why can't he be the point of *my* arrow?
    
    Sincerely,
        Mia Tesla
    
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Mia Tesla --
    
    You have an arrow?
    
    -- GCPD
    
    U:/shlomo/>type letter2.txt
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Dear GCPD,
    
    Oh, I should have known you would catch me being dirty!
    
    I guess I'm not Mia after all, hoo boy, but you'd better believe that everything
    I tell you is one hundred percent true and if you think you can browbeat me into
    making a deadly and disastrous situation even worse then you've got a long thing
    coming, mister, a long, tuber-shaped, cone-ended protruding groin thing coming,
    mister! Oh he shovels sawdust into Sheeva's mouth on a daily basis and -- that
    inscrutable Russian Dendi (Ukrainian), oh, if I were gay I would hit that
    mercilessly, like a swollen thyroid, and show it my appreciation every night!
    
    Nobody ever believes me when I say this, but I'm completely straight. There is
    not a gay bone in my entire body -- not even the one that swells up whenever I
    think about women, breasts, and childbirth. I have literally taken photographs
    of the last few times I had sex with women (the only sex I have sex with) in
    case anyone doesn't believe me when I say I'm absolutely straight and, in fact,
    a smoldering homophobe!
    
    Sincerely,
        Solomon "We'll Leave My Surname a Mystery For Now"
    
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Solomon --
    
    What do you mean when you say "sawdust"?
    
    -- GCPD
    
    U:/shlomo/>type letter3.txt
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Whoooooooo! Do I have one up against the GCPD? Ooh, you'd better spank me,
    because I am an exceptionally naughty, not to mention sexually active person. Do
    you mean to say you don't know what "sawdust" is?
    
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Solomon --
    
    Yes.
    
    -- GCPD
    
    U:/shlomo/>type letter4.txt
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Cheep cheep! Cheep cheep! They don't call me "Solomon the Wise" for nothing. And
    am I not wise? Are men like me, who witness and understand the nature of crime,
    not your raison d'etre? Isn't there a beauty in a man who knows how to subvert
    the undulating arm of the law?
    
    Sawdust!!!!! Sawdust!!!!! Sawdust!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Solomon --
    
    We're not going to arrest them if you keep doing that.
    
    -- GCPD
    
    U:/shlomo/>type letter5.txt
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Oh fine. It's not like I enjoy teasing your hair, the mysteries of your mind.
    It's very well and fine to have a penis so long as you only use it on women!
    
    "Sawdust" is the codename they use for a delightful compound that makes them
    bitter and irritable for days on end, after which they come to my office and
    tell me I don't know how to run my own show, because each year I come groveling
    on my knees because I need the money and I'm willing to suck as many beautiful
    greasy cocks as it takes to get it, because I've got no self-respect and nobody,
    even me, loves me the way I love the opposite sex!
    
    They also call it "salt."
    
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Solomon --
    
    Can you explain the fish part?
    
    -- GCPD
    
    From: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    To: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    No.
    
    From: inquiries@gcpd.gov
    To: miateslaxoxo@yahoo.com
    Subject: RE: I can't catch a break
    
    Solomon --
    
    We understand.
    
    -- GCPD
    there are still more WAREZ.................. but this time it's personal......
    dude put a hit on your head (wants me to masta.slay u) says u gotta read this
    note
    
    and then you will die now, you will die!
    
    this is a nuanced message of genius and subtlety
    U:/>dir
    THE_ENTIRE_TRUTH!!!!!.txt*
    U:/>type THE_ENTIRE_TRUTH!!!!!.txt
    This is a note which I hope will bring you serenity in your final moments.
    
    The truth of the matter is that your impending death brings me not joy, but
    comfort, Jack Neech. You may call me what you like: call me Dendi, call me Vito,
    call me Slark, call me -- if you please, the Curse of Dota.
    
    You've read Gabriel Gonzales' post by this point and you know his theory. Half
    of it is true. I was a guard at Dark Reef and ekmett's images are real. The
    other half of his conjecture, though, is false.
    
    While a guard, I was also a prisoner. It's a mistake to call me disloyal based
    only on the fact that I play for two teams -- Radiant and Dire. Why? Because
    when I was spawned, there were two of me: I'm an identical twin.
    
    It's merely a courtesy that I only play for one side at a time, then. Up until
    now I had a real aversion to seeing me get hurt. But there's a real curse in
    Dota -- not the title I claim -- and that curse is appetite. Women found my
    twin -- Dendi, or Dire Slark -- irresistible. Constantly he was surrounded by
    yearning courtesans; as Vito, Mia and Sheeva gave me similar frustration, but
    my brother was so appalled (rightly so: he is a fish and you are ugly mammals)
    that he couldn't bear it any more, and one morning he said I had to kill him.
    
    Not for real. I would cut open my arm and he would vanish into the shadows. We
    would dispose of any witnesses who got too close, and as Vito I'd spread the
    reputable version of the story to the press. There would be no more Dendi and
    I would, in time, alienate Mia, stab Rial, and throw Sheeva off a pier. I
    would stay on the coastline where my amphibious needs would forever be met yet
    where the law of the ocean does not apply.
    
    Things never go as simply as that. You exist, and until tonight you presented
    a threat.
    
    Of course I had you dealt with once, but fate dictated you would survive and
    cowardice kept me away until you woke. I hate the sight of my own blood and
    fear constantly for my own safety -- taking only the most one-sided fights
    imaginable -- so I let you rest. My hope was that you would die silently in
    bed and I would never have to think about you again. This is not what happened,
    of course.
    
    I don't think of you as an enemy and your ability to suffer without acquiescing
    makes you an uninteresting opponent. For very long you idolized half of me and
    ignored (or demonized) the other half: if my expectations of you are colored at
    all by your expectations of me then I can't possibly resolve myself to any
    particular interpretation of our relationship until you've done or not done the
    reckless things it's possible you'll choose to do.
    
    Stabbing you might make you scream, flail, or cry, but it won't change you or
    submit you to my will. For that reason I have taken it off of the table. Instead
    I have left your punishment to a dear and close acquaintance of mine.
    
    The last subject I'd like to encompass is DEIMOS. DEIMOS, or Demo, is what
    brought you to me, and I occasionally suspect that if you'd found it -- which
    you could have done -- you would have found me out, as well. I don't often dwell
    on these things but occasionally I take the liberty.
    
    Some of what Sheeva wrote is true: DEIMOS occurs naturally on the ocean floor.
    She was wrong about many of the other details, though -- so, in fact, was the
    CIA.
    
    Most of the problem is that it only affects mammals. Their theories of its usage
    basically stem from me, as I'm the most active figure in smuggling it up -- and
    when I use it, I have to pretend. In me it has no effects whatsoever. What might
    surprise you is that it has no *specific* effect in mammals.
    
    Each believed it had mild but highly varied psychedelic effects even when the
    only point of consistency was the general irritability I exhibit at any time,
    drugs or no drugs. Each used my behavior as Vito as a prototype for their own.
    I think, although I'm not sure, it caused a mild stupor and suggestibility, but
    of course it's very difficult to distinguish that from my awesome natural
    charisma.
    
    Many of them believed they only had it at specific times: this is not true. They
    believed the flavor was more distinctive (more like salt) than it was. I have no
    perception of the taste of salt, being evolutionarily fit for brackish and
    oceanic water. Often I cut the drug with salt because I believed it would be
    necessary to reinforce their illusion. The point wasn't to keep them sedated
    but to make them culpable -- surrounded by traces of it and imitating its
    effects at all time, so they would rely on me to shield them from the law of
    the land. (I am a very tricky person!)
    
    Retrospectively, I think it might have been all salt to begin with. No drugs.
    Whoops!
    
    There isn't anything else left for me to say. You know what it is that's coming,
    at least in a broad sense -- you will die and I will continue to live -- but
    the remaining details I think I'll leave the passage of time to exposit.
    
    With sincerity and tenderness,
            [Radiant] "Vito Brevis" Slark
    
    PS  On your desk is a manila notecard with my brother's autograph on it. He was
        pleased to hear of your recovery and hopes all things are going well in your
        last few moments.
    
    alright no messing around his time big boy
    hit the enter key bitch
    
    
    [Your screen becomes funky for a moment!]
    
    
    10 PRINT "DON'T H8 IF, WHEN I B8, IT M8KS U LACRIM8"
    20 PRINT "WHO HAS TIME FOR A FUCKIN YIEST INFECSION EH? EH?"
    
    masta slaya in the hous bitchezzzzzz and str8 frum the hosses muth hre it cums
    (HA!) DONT WORRY IMMA LET U FINISH BUT FOR NOW IM THE GHOST OF FUCKIN SPAAAAACE!
    ur gna see 1st hand wt its like 2 get slaiyedd by a masta dnt wrry bitch coz
    imma show u hw SHIIT GETS SERRIOUS IN THIS HAAAAAUS.
    
    they sy u nly huart the 1s u lovve n in that case YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME MY
    GIRLFRIEND, ACRIMONIOUS JACK! I'm going to put you through p8n (huhuhu) like a
    fkn Jaapnesde linenn m8trn h0h0h0h0h0h0 (chrrsms btch), lk 1 rack of EVANESCENCE
    PORNO ALBUMS.
    
    y dnt u repeat after me. Come on, bitch!
    
    R - U - B - I - C - K!
    
    tha's aight!
    
    R - U - B - I - C - K!
    
    OK JACK (call me solomon hoar -- GHOST POWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ITS
    TIME 2 get D - E - DOUBLE A - D - DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
    hit the enter key bitch
    
    
    [Your screen becomes funky for more than just a moment!]
    
    
    ima serius clown and a serius ghost n a serius wizard n a serius stage mgr but
    dude u are giving me a major case of the squirts, imma klown n imma killa n im
    4 REOL!
    
    R - U - B - I - C - K!
    
    tha's aight!
    
    R - U - B - I - C - K!
    
    NOW BBRACE UR ANUSSSSSS
    hit the enter key bitch
    
    
    [Your screen becomes undeniably funky! It's a Shulgin +++!]
    
    
    oh god man u fuckin shuck man u fuckin shuck off my wet hoar COCK i cannat
    believe ths doata fkn BULLSHIT dammit
    
    if u wre a woman i would CHEW ON YOUR FECES HOAR
    
    jacik neeeech! jack neeeeeeeeeeech! imma mak u PAY!
    hit the enter key bitch
    
    
    [The funk is almost too much to bear!]
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    [And it seems to last forever...]
    
    
    u have done it
    
    u fkn exorcised me
    
    u have exorcised the ghost of space. I literally can't even bear to talk like
    that any more! The M4ST4 SL4Y4 has been slayn! now im gonna have to write gay
    novels abo wolves and shitt becusee after that anus-whooooopin I cannot even
    identify as the male sex! (like a FROGGGGGGGGGG)
    
    coll me RUBICK -- juss Rubick, massa -- 4 that ur the mmasta now mmassa an can I
    shian thy shoe? Can I be ur laungery boy? Thieye wassa 1 daay, maaaasta, when de
    whayte man coll me salman -- not lke "salman" the fish (heehee, vitos de 1ly
    fish aroun hieye, maassa) but "SOLOMON": I wass v dark (+ lovely), dtrs o
    Yerushalayim genauie the tns o Kedaaaaaaar, masa jak, lke de coorteynes f
    Solmoon:
    
    unless, o' coarse, thou be not ye reoll Smilin' Jack Neech, me hoary mastiff!
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
                     == THE LIGHT DRAWS CLOSER -- PRESS ANY KEY ==
    
    To whom it may concern:
    
    It was inevitable in retrospect that things would come to this terrible climax.
    
    I have killed two -- Vito Brevis and Luigi "Killer Klown" Saracino -- tonight,
    and intend to kill more as it becomes necessary in the hunt for 9/11 truth.
    From the notes Saracino left I gather that Solomon -- whatever his surname --
    and Rial Attaychek were also either complicit or victims of his clownlike
    machinations. There is a light, however, at the end of every tunnel: a guiding
    star that leads to total happiness, and a bridge to total freedom.
    
    My bridge to total freedom I have L. Ron Hubbard to thank for. It's through his
    philosophical genius that I escaped the corporeal shell I was bound to and for
    reason of my magnaminity I have left that shell to you -- yes, you, the
    extraterrestial presence who for years upon years believed he was alone and
    alive inside my shell, who caused me to take the name "Jack Neech" when the
    reality is that it was neither of our names -- my exodus from whom having
    brought me to Clarity and total sanity.
    
    It's from the lofty ranks of OT-3 that I'm writing this and out of my belief
    that you, if anyone, deserve to know the truth of your own existence. But there
    are greater truths to discover and monumentaler mountains to climb: steel simply
    does not melt at the temperatures the sheeple are expected to believe it melts
    at and I'm led to believe that 9/11's principal cause is extraterrestrial too --
    Slark, who I have reason to believe respawned about ninety seconds after I
    killed him, less some gold and the opportunity for some farm.
    
    But it isn't on the battlefields of Earth that we can settle this rivalry --
    it's on the battlefields of our dreams, in the gardens of our souls -- in Dota.
    
    With lofty homOcidal inclinations (I despise the similar):
    Jeff "Jeffuel" Green: Author of [MODE] and Assassin of Justice
                         == THE END: PRESS ANY KEY TO EXODE ==
    

**Author's Note:**

> This is the transcript of a text adventure I wrote, but I'm not really sure if I can post it here because it's an EXE file and EXE files are really scary.


End file.
